So in Philosophy there is a concept called Orders of Intent or Intentionality. This concept states that there are ascending orders of intent. Great, so what, you ask? Let me give you an example.
Order 0: I will eat the apple or I exist.
Order 1: I know that I will eat the apple or I know that I exist.
Order 2: I know, that you know, that I will eat the apple or I know, that you know, that I exist.
Order 3: I know, that you know, that I know, that I will eat the apple. I know, that you know, that he knows, I exist.
Etc... According to the theory, chimpanzees can handle perhaps two orders of intentionality, and humans can handle at max about five orders of intentionality (example: "I can't believe that you would think me capable of hating Fred just because he failed to defend Mary when John called her a dummy." It’s confusing but you can just begin to follow it. Another example or good way to think of it is like chess. How many moves ahead do you think? Or even rock, paper, scissors. When I play rock, paper, scissors, I frequently think, ok last time I did rock, so they will likely do paper, thus I will do scissors, but they will know that, so they will do rock, so I will do paper. In chess it looks like this, if I take his queen with my bishop, the only smart move is for him to then take it with his rook, which opens his king up for check from my queen, and so on.
So what does this have to do with anything? It has to do with how we communicate. Say I want the chair you’re sitting in. If I were to come up to you and say “May I have your chair?” That would be 3rd order intent, because you now know, that I know, that I want the chair. Conversely I could come up to you and say there are brownies in the kitchen. I know, that you now believe, that I know, there are brownies in the kitchen (3rd Order) But really, I just want your chair (1st Order)
So you could say that 1st order is awareness of self. 2nd order is awareness of others, and 3rd order is where true communication begins. But 3rd order is also where we begin to be able to deceive. Deception and lies are about making people believe what we want them to believe. Telling you there’s food in the kitchen isn’t a lie (if there really is food) but it is deception, if what I really want is your chair. This makes deception harder to spot than a lie. Why? Because, lies are not based on anything and thus can eventually be seen through, which is why the “best” lies are ones based on the truth, because they hold up longer under scrutiny.
As humans we like to get our way and so through the course of our lives we all learn to a greater or lesser degree how to manipulate, because the purpose of manipulation is to get your way. If you are passive aggressive you do this without direct confrontation. If your aggressive you might do it by force, and then there are those who master manipulation and do it without others even realizing they are being manipulated. Even believing they want to do what you, want them to do. I would say that these people probably work on 4th order most of the time. Intents are not about what you know as much as they are about what you believe. So let’s look at and example. Say there’s a girl (Suzie) in high school who likes a guy (Ben), but he’s already seeing someone (Lisa). Suzie, might start a rumor that Lisa has been unfaithful to Ben, making the person she tells, believe she’s telling the truth, which then makes the general population believe the lie, which in turn makes the Ben believe it and break up with Lisa. Or yet more deceptive Suzie might convince, the person she confides in, to believe she’s broken up over the fact that Lisa is cheating on Ben. From what I have read it gets hard to define the higher level intents. But I would consider this a 4th order, because after Ben breaks up with Lisa, Suzie can go to Ben and console him over the recent break up without Ben having any idea it was really all Suzie’s fault.
Back again to the chess example, the person who typically wins in a game of chess is the person who can think one step, or turn farther ahead than their opponent and the same is true in life. When it comes to manipulation the person who can think one step further, is the one who gets their way, at least when it comes to direct competition. But life is rarely a direct competition.
Now manipulation doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. Here’s another example. John and Beth are supposed to hang out, but John suspects that Beth might like him and wants to both find out if this is true, and not end up alone with her while hanging out. So John asks Beth if he can bring a friend, telling her that Jake likes bowling as well and they haven’t hung out in a while (which in this case is true). Now Beth has limited choices. She can say no, and have to explain why, thus letting John know that she likes him, or say sure, and now John isn’t alone at bowling with Beth. John has just effectively executed a 3rd order intent to get his way, manipulating Beth, while making her think that all he wanted was to hang out with more friends.
We do this sort of thing every day, often without thinking about it. We attempt to control our environment and thus the people around us. Some people are open about it and others aren’t. Perhaps one of the most effective methods of deception is, believe it or not, telling the truth. By telling the truth most appropriate to your situation and making others believe what you are telling them (which if you’re telling the truth they typically will), then you can get what you want without people realizing they have been manipulated. Back to the example of the chair, telling you there are brownies in the kitchen so I can have your chair, isn’t a lie and odds are you will enjoy the brownies. I haven’t lied and you probably won’t even think twice about it. The more you tell the truth the more people are inclined to believe what you say and the more they take it at face value. The more people take what you say at face value, the less they look for deception and thus the easier it is to manipulate them. This is perhaps the most deceptive and hardest to spot kind of manipulation. If the person doing the manipulation knows you well and knows your week points, interests, etc. They can convince you that you’re doing something of your own volition, because you want to. Giving you what you want to get what they want.
But how do we learn these kinds of behaviors? I think it, like almost everything begins in childhood, with how we are raised. If you as a child are in a store and really want a toy, what do you do? You throw a tantrum. Now how do your parents react, if they give in, you’ve learned that throwing a tantrum gets you what you want, and you will try it again the next time you want something. Congratulations you’ve just learned emotional manipulation. If your parents ignore you and let you tire yourself out, or spank you right there in the store isle, you learn that tantrums don’t work and will instead try something different next time. If your parents are good at not giving in to your manipulation and at teaching you, they may eventually convince you that the best way to get what you want is to simply ask for it, maybe even give a logical argument for why you should have whatever it is you want. But it’s also possible that you will simply learn to be craftier in your manipulation.
I think that those people who learn to be truly masterful manipulators do so throughout the course of their lives. It’s no one event or chain of events that teaches them. But I think that children who grow up in unstable or abusive homes likely learn manipulation as a defensive mechanism. If you know what makes your parents tick, if you know what they like or hate. Then you know what buttons to push, how to distract them when they’re angry or how to get them to drop an uncomfortable topic.
It’s amazing the things we learn in self defense, the things we learn in the course of life. So next time you’re interacting with someone, stop and think about your interaction. Stop and think about the way you communicate and maybe even how you came to have the communication style you use.
This has been a 3rd Order Intent
And now you know.
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