Relationships

Love them or hate them relationships are always complicated. It's a miracle any of us manage to find someone to marry. Even fewer manage to do it for life. Making a life long marriage to one person work, takes a supreme commitment, lots of patience and stubborn dedication, to not give up.

Statistics say that less than 50% of marriages survive the difficulties and challenges of merging two lives. A pessimist might say that two people were never meant to know each other on such an intimate level. That knowledge, especially of each others flaws, is the downfall of relationships. And they might be right, knowledge of one another's flaws may well be the cause of many a failed relationship. But I disagree with the premise that we were not meant to be known intimately.

Humans are meant for relationships. Babies don't develop properly unless they have physical contact, unless they are held. People go slowly insane when isolated from contact with others. We need people, we need relationships, we crave to be know.

There are many reasons why relationships fail. One of the biggest reasons is that people move too fast. They get caught up in the way the relationship makes them feel and they let their emotions overrule their mind. Ignoring logic and rushing in. Commitment in a relationship should never overreach knowledge and vice versa. It's a fatal decision to build a relationship solely on emotions, because emotions fade and change. Any lasting relationship must be based on more than what you feel. It must be build on commitment and knowledge. Love is not blind, it does not ignore faults and wrongs, but it does accept and forgive.

So when you start a relationship it should progress slowly, not rushing ahead to the bedroom on the first date. Give your hormones time to cool before making any decisions. Keep it light to start with, have some fun. Why take everything so seriously. Loading a relationship down with expectations is another sure way to kill it before it has a chance to start. First dates should be for having fun and getting a feel for each other not delving deep into each others pasts.

Sharing deep and personal information like childhood traumas or physical abuse should probably wait till a rapport has been established and trust gained. Share too much too fast and you can build false intimacy. Which makes you feel close like you know the person and might incline you to take actions, or place trust, you might not otherwise.

Every time we meet someone new we put our best foot forward and hide our flaws. It's human nature to do so, especially if it's someone we like or are attracted to. Yet another reason to wait and get to know someone. As their guard comes down their flaws will begin to emerge and you will get a better idea of who the person really is. There can be no relationship without trust and there can be no trust without truth and knowledge. Truth and knowledge are both things that can not and should not be rushed.

A friend is someone who makes you better than you are. If someone is hurting you or tearing you down, they aren't your friend, this goes doubly for boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses. If they hurt you, walk away, no matter how nice or perfect they seem, there is nothing that makes that okay. It doesn't matter if it's physical or emotional; abuse is not an acceptable trait.

If you rush a relationship you might miss the warning signs that would have otherwise tipped you off to these tendencies. By the time you find out, it may be too late, you may feel trapped because of commitments you've made.

A significant other should be more than a friend, they should be a partner, a teammate. They should build you up, support you, strengthen you. They should be your compliment, holding you accountable. Helping you to stop bad habits, and start good ones. They should be a sounding board and a listening ear. They shouldn't be afraid to tell you when you are wrong.

A good relationship provides shelter and strength, it provides a firm foundation and a safe haven from which both partners can achieve greater things than they could on their own. Nothing inspires a man to greatness more than having a woman for which he is fighting and there is little that gives a woman more confidence than knowing she is loved and protected.

We can attain more together than apart, so take your time to build a solid foundation of trust and honesty. Take the time to see if someone is a good fit before making commitments, before giving away part of yourself.

When you do find that person who is a good fit, that is your other half, that compliments you, bringing their strengths to our weaknesses, be willing to commit. Don't go in with the mindset that you can bail if it gets hard. Really commit to it, go all in! Pour your all into the relationship. Love is a choice not an emotion, if you make that choice, commit to it.

I can't think of anything more exciting than spending a lifetime learning about my partner, and not just a knowledge of the facts about them, but who they are on the inside, what makes them tick, how they think, and what their dreams are. An intimate knowledge, beyond facts into the essence of the person. I could spend a lifetime learning and still have more to discover.

Social Leprosy

So I thought I would rabbit trail off my previous topic for this one and talk about social leprosy, about our fear of connection. I'm not really sure where this particular issue started. I think it may have originated in a fear of rejection. I think it would be safe to say everyone has been rejected in one way or another during their life. Whether it was being picked last for Dodge-ball in school, or being told that a relationship just wasn't going to work, we've all felt the bitter sting of rejection to greater and lesser degrees. As I discussed in my last topic we are a generation averse to pain and as a result we try to mitigate and limit the ways we can be hurt, and fear of rejection springs from that.

One of the biggest ways you can be hurt is in relationships. Because, by the nature of relationship you must put ourselves out there, and must open up and share part of yourself. If you can't do this, then a relationship will never progress and you end up with empty shallow interactions.

So hypothetically we have a guy, we will call him Bob. Now for the sake of this exercise Bob is an average looking guy, he's not one of the guys that girls really notice and so he's going to have to work a little. Speaking from a guys perspective here, it takes a lot of guts to approach a girl and talk to her, especially if A. Your not very good at it, B. You don't know the girl well, and C. You like the girl even the littlest bit. So bob likes a girl. We'll call her Nancy.

Bob spends part of his time thinking about Nancy and how much he likes her and finally works up enough nerve to go talk to her. This is the crucial moment where Nancy has all the power and can crush him with little or no effort. In this case she does, well say because she happens to like another guy, and so she turns down Bobs invitation to coffee.

That rejection hurts and the next time Bob likes a girl he's likely to be a little more cautious before he approaches her and in how he does when he finally works up enough nerve to do so. In high school we see this play out endless times, and we see it on both sides. People become cautious and they start to try and feel each other out, they start to play games, like dropping hints and looking for reactions, they send friends to ask if the person likes you. This way the rejection is once removed and insulated. And these behaviors continue into adult hood. But as we age we get more crafty and perhaps fear rejection more. Cause now the clock is ticking, the older you get, the more society looks at you and wonders why you're still single and if perhaps there's something wrong with you. Because lets face it we live in a relationship based society. We've even built an entire industry around it, and gave it a holiday.

So we were happily playing our games, when along came the internet and we thought it was our salvation. A new and glorious way to communicate. Now you don't even have to talk to the person face to face. You can send them an email, and it's so much better then writing a letter because its fast. Then email was fallowed by cellphones and now we could be reached any where, any time of the day, but it didn't really bring us closer. Now instead of sitting down and having a conversation we could just call someone at the drop of a hat and ask them what we needed to know.

But then came texting and internet chat. Heralded as revolutions. With chat you can have the impersonality of text with the instantaneous quality of a conversation. You can talk to people from all over the world, but with the catch that now you don't know what they look like.

However text has its problems. For all its words, its imprecise. Text fails when it comes to conveying emotions. It lacks the nuance of voice. Without knowing how someone talks, you can't know for sure if something is a joke or not. So we resort to the ever present LoL or :D But really these emoticons fail. Rarely do I truly lol, but its what I type when I chuckle or smirk because its the accepted sign for, that was funny.

We hide behind text because it insulates us, but really it breaks down communication and as a result relationship. And texting is worse, now you can instantly annoy someone with a question or comment any time of the day without have to actually talk to them or wait for a reply. Sure its convenient but again it cuts down on real interaction.

And last but not least we developed Social Networking sites, where we can now feel like we're connected to other people because we can follow their thoughts and actions through the internet. Without ever talking to them. But hey, at least now we know what people look like. We can have hundreds even thousands of friends and not "know" any of them. It's so bad we've even coined phrases Like facebook friend. It's not official, your not really friends, until your friends on facebook.

I think we need to step back and reassess what it means to be a friend. All this technology and what have we gained. Distance, we no longer have to interact face to face, we can now sit at our computers in our homes and have "relationships". But now because we don't leave our houses we don't meet new people and without meeting new people how do we find a significant other?

Introduce the dating site, where you can be "scientifically" matched based on your selections from a drop down menu, with people in your area. You can click a button that says yes I think I might like to meet this person and if they click the same box on the other end you both receive a message saying you might be a match, now talk it out. Great we've just digitally recreated the high school equivalent of sending your friend to feel out the person. We've cushioned and insulated ourselves from rejection.

I'm not saying that these sites can't be good and helpful but I just think we should stop for a second and really ask ourselves if they're improving the quality of our relationships.
What happened to going for a walk, or sitting and chatting over coffee or tea. I personally miss late night conversations. Sure you can have a late night chat on your computer but it's just not the same as sitting curled up on opposite ends of a couch, philosophizing into the wee hours of the morning. There's no digital equivalent to a physical hug when you aren't feeling well, or just lost a loved one. You can't cry on someones shoulder through the internet. You can't hear the glorious tones of someones laugh through text and chat. And you can't hear the tones of soft loving care when someone says I love you. Text just isn't adequate to convey the depth and breadth of human emotion.

The phone is better but it's still impersonal and you still can't touch our interact with the person. You can't see their reactions or body language. I would personally say that at least 50 percent of communication is non verbal and you loose all of that. And for what? So we can be less vulnerable? I'm calling BS.

As Westly in The Princess Bride so perfectly says "Life is pain, anyone who says otherwise, is trying to sell something." I think its time we embrace what it means to be human. Stop hiding behind technology and get out there. Take a risk and feel some pain, and for God's sake, please can we stop playing childish games?

I think we end up causing just as much if not more pain by playing games and sending mixed signals, in relationships. Why can't we just be upfront, blunt and honest. Say what me mean, and mean what we say. Yes it hurts but in the long run it saves more pain and more trouble then all the lies and maneuvering. It saves a lot of time too.

So my challenge to you should you accept it, is to go out and live life a little. Talk to someone face to face for at least half an hour. Ask them how they are doing and mean it. And look them in the eye. I mean really look them in the eye.

I'll leave you with this, most people can't sustain direct eye contact for more then a few seconds at a time? Try it. Why is that? Are we afraid of what we will see, or what others might see in us?