Humility

So what is humility? Webster defines humility as “the state of being humble”, and it defines humble as “not proud or haughty”. I find it interesting that humility is defined by what it’s not. But if we stop and try to define humility in the positive we find it to be an elusive concept, and hard to define. In my life I strive to live an existence of humility. So I will define it by what it means to me, in a practical sense. In my life, I value others higher than myself, I don’t feel superior or look down on others, I try not to judge others, but instead live by the facts I observe, not the assumptions I make.

You’re probably wondering why anyone would want to live like this. First off, I find arrogance to be aggravating and I think most people would agree. Secondly by living a life devoid of judgment or assumptions I’m able to interact with others in a more meaningful way. Rather than looking down on someone when I find out about a mistake they’ve made in their life, and thinking myself better than them, I’m able to engage with them in an empathetic way. I’m able to have conversations that I would otherwise not be able to have. Judgment and condemnation break down communication and create distance in relationships.

Living a life of humility has a simplicity and calmness to it. It removes the social jockeying and posturing in relationships. Having an accurate understanding of one’s faults, flaws, and weaknesses, creates humility and allows an acceptance of others for who they are, faults, flaws, and all. When you stop trying to make others see how great you are, you begin to see how amazing the people around you are and you begin to really value and appreciate the people you know and the relationships you have. When you stop for a moment and take a good look at the people around you, setting aside preconceptions you begin to see what others have to offer. The person you previously ignored or labeled as insignificant turns out to be an amazing person with diverse talents.

I think for most people the bravado and bluster is a defensive mechanism to hide their own insecurities. I know that I seek affirmation from others to make myself feel better, but when you go fishing for compliments it makes you seem arrogant. On the outside it looks like your saying, “Look how cool I am,” When on the inside you’re saying, “please someone tell me I’m worth something”. It’s the bully mentality. Psychology has revealed that most bullies are themselves insecure, and this is why they bully others. They do it to bolster their own feeling of self worth by putting others down. We as a culture do the same thing to a lesser degree. We are insecure in ourselves and so we cover with bravado. This is why the concept of humility is so hard for many people. To stop and take a real look at ourselves would mean having to deal with our own insecurities. To accept that others are better than us, let alone tell them so, means admitting our own faults and insecurities.

Someone out there might be thinking, wouldn’t being humble be much like having low self esteem? And in some ways it would look similar. Someone with low self esteem lacks a belief in their own value and as a result might defer to others. But choosing to be humble is fundamentally different. Choosing to value others above oneself is very different than believing you are worthless and others are better than you. The key is in the choice. In humility you are saying that regardless of how great or insignificant you believe yourself to be, you choose to treat others with respect and honor as though they were greater, and more important than yourself.
This brings me to another point. Humility does not mean being a doormat. It does not mean letting yourself get walked all over by others, which is what someone with low self esteem would be inclined to do. By making the choice to value others, you have the power to also choose to not value them. If someone starts to bully you, you can stand up to them, humility does not mean letting others treat you as if you are worthless. Placing yourself in a position of submission is different from being worthless.

This is the fallacy of the service industry. Customers treat the employees of stores, shops, and restaurants as though they are somehow beneath them. When choosing to humble yourself and serve others, is in fact the harder position to be in. To do it with a smile in the face of harassment and general disrespect from the population at large is a monumental task. The employees are humbling themselves to serve you, so next time you are in a restaurant or store, think of them as the people they are not as whatever you perceive them to be. They are people just like you, no better and no worse. The difficulty of doing a service job is that for the most part you aren’t allowed to stand up for yourself if someone treats you poorly. But in life as a whole, if you are choosing to serve others or choosing to be humble, you can stand up for yourself.

Now having said all this I should mention that living a life of humility is not easy. It seems to be in our nature as humans to fight for superiority, to put others down and strive to be top dog. Especially in a modern capitalist culture like America, choosing a life of service or humility is counter cultural, and may even seem counter intuitive. But as hard as it is, I find it brings a greater peace than striving to always be better than the next guy. I strive to be the best I can be and make no judgments about weather that’s any better or worse than the person sitting next to me on the bus, or in line at the grocery store. And in the process it frees me to have more meaningful relationships with the people I meet.