Humility

So what is humility? Webster defines humility as “the state of being humble”, and it defines humble as “not proud or haughty”. I find it interesting that humility is defined by what it’s not. But if we stop and try to define humility in the positive we find it to be an elusive concept, and hard to define. In my life I strive to live an existence of humility. So I will define it by what it means to me, in a practical sense. In my life, I value others higher than myself, I don’t feel superior or look down on others, I try not to judge others, but instead live by the facts I observe, not the assumptions I make.

You’re probably wondering why anyone would want to live like this. First off, I find arrogance to be aggravating and I think most people would agree. Secondly by living a life devoid of judgment or assumptions I’m able to interact with others in a more meaningful way. Rather than looking down on someone when I find out about a mistake they’ve made in their life, and thinking myself better than them, I’m able to engage with them in an empathetic way. I’m able to have conversations that I would otherwise not be able to have. Judgment and condemnation break down communication and create distance in relationships.

Living a life of humility has a simplicity and calmness to it. It removes the social jockeying and posturing in relationships. Having an accurate understanding of one’s faults, flaws, and weaknesses, creates humility and allows an acceptance of others for who they are, faults, flaws, and all. When you stop trying to make others see how great you are, you begin to see how amazing the people around you are and you begin to really value and appreciate the people you know and the relationships you have. When you stop for a moment and take a good look at the people around you, setting aside preconceptions you begin to see what others have to offer. The person you previously ignored or labeled as insignificant turns out to be an amazing person with diverse talents.

I think for most people the bravado and bluster is a defensive mechanism to hide their own insecurities. I know that I seek affirmation from others to make myself feel better, but when you go fishing for compliments it makes you seem arrogant. On the outside it looks like your saying, “Look how cool I am,” When on the inside you’re saying, “please someone tell me I’m worth something”. It’s the bully mentality. Psychology has revealed that most bullies are themselves insecure, and this is why they bully others. They do it to bolster their own feeling of self worth by putting others down. We as a culture do the same thing to a lesser degree. We are insecure in ourselves and so we cover with bravado. This is why the concept of humility is so hard for many people. To stop and take a real look at ourselves would mean having to deal with our own insecurities. To accept that others are better than us, let alone tell them so, means admitting our own faults and insecurities.

Someone out there might be thinking, wouldn’t being humble be much like having low self esteem? And in some ways it would look similar. Someone with low self esteem lacks a belief in their own value and as a result might defer to others. But choosing to be humble is fundamentally different. Choosing to value others above oneself is very different than believing you are worthless and others are better than you. The key is in the choice. In humility you are saying that regardless of how great or insignificant you believe yourself to be, you choose to treat others with respect and honor as though they were greater, and more important than yourself.
This brings me to another point. Humility does not mean being a doormat. It does not mean letting yourself get walked all over by others, which is what someone with low self esteem would be inclined to do. By making the choice to value others, you have the power to also choose to not value them. If someone starts to bully you, you can stand up to them, humility does not mean letting others treat you as if you are worthless. Placing yourself in a position of submission is different from being worthless.

This is the fallacy of the service industry. Customers treat the employees of stores, shops, and restaurants as though they are somehow beneath them. When choosing to humble yourself and serve others, is in fact the harder position to be in. To do it with a smile in the face of harassment and general disrespect from the population at large is a monumental task. The employees are humbling themselves to serve you, so next time you are in a restaurant or store, think of them as the people they are not as whatever you perceive them to be. They are people just like you, no better and no worse. The difficulty of doing a service job is that for the most part you aren’t allowed to stand up for yourself if someone treats you poorly. But in life as a whole, if you are choosing to serve others or choosing to be humble, you can stand up for yourself.

Now having said all this I should mention that living a life of humility is not easy. It seems to be in our nature as humans to fight for superiority, to put others down and strive to be top dog. Especially in a modern capitalist culture like America, choosing a life of service or humility is counter cultural, and may even seem counter intuitive. But as hard as it is, I find it brings a greater peace than striving to always be better than the next guy. I strive to be the best I can be and make no judgments about weather that’s any better or worse than the person sitting next to me on the bus, or in line at the grocery store. And in the process it frees me to have more meaningful relationships with the people I meet.

Stories

Recently I was presented with a concept, one that gave a name or a frame work, if you will, to a behavior that I had already observed in my life. This is the concept of stories. You’re probably thinking, big deal, stories, I hear those every day. And you’re right, you do hear stories every day, you even tell yourself stories. What I mean by stories is the things we tell ourselves about others, about our actions, the assumptions we make. Let me give an example for the sake of clarity. I frequently talk to someone and then when I walk away, I begin to make assumptions about what the other person meant by something they said or didn’t say. I will concoct a story that the person is angry with me or doesn’t like me all because of something they said. Or another example, you overhear part of someone else’s conversation, and you mentally try and fill in the rest, perhaps even getting angry because you think they are talking about you behind your back. In both cases you are telling yourself a story. You don’t know what was or is going on and so you fill in the blanks with your imagination.

We probably tell ourselves hundreds of small stories every day without ever realizing and for the most part it’s not a big deal. Because they don’t matter, but where the stories become a problem is when they interfere with the relationships we have. If, as in the first example, I tell myself the story that my friend is mad at me because they said something I didn’t like, our relationship begins to break down. Now this is easily solved in two ways, first realizing that I’m telling myself a story, and secondly going to the person and asking them what they really meant. In the second example, realizing that you’re telling yourself a story and disregarding it, might be all you need to do, or you could ask the people what they were talking about. Often times just realizing it’s a story is all it takes. Because you can then disregard what you we’re thinking and dispel the assumptions you’ve made. But far better is to take the opportunity to work on communication and clarify the situation with whoever you are interacting with. I know I have been prone to believing people I emailed are ignoring me when they don’t reply to my emails immediately, and most often that’s just a story, they weren’t ignoring me but were instead busy, or out of town, or any number of other things. But because I made an assumption and told myself a story about what was happening, I put myself in a place where I was upset. When I am conscious of the thoughts I am having and the stories I’m constructing, then I’m able to take actions against them. I can dispel the assumptions I’ve made, and strengthen my relationships through communication. So weather you call them stories or assumptions, we need to be on our guard against those that hinder and hold us back. If you tell yourself you can’t do something odds are you won’t be able to, but if you turn it around and tell yourself you can, you’re chances immediately go up.

Not all stories are bad though. Sometimes we tell ourselves positive stories; we assume the best of people and in doing so we manifest a positive attitude, which can be beneficial. But there is a danger in these stories as well. If we live in a perpetual world of positive assumptions and stories, we will be prone to disappointment. As people fail to live up to the positive assumptions we assign to them. I personally like to think the best of people and give them the benefit of the doubt. But at the same time it does no one a service if we view the world through rose tinted glasses. So while positive stories can be good, I would say it’s best to be wise and realize that no matter what the story is, it’s still a story and is no substitution for the truth.