Stories

Recently I was presented with a concept, one that gave a name or a frame work, if you will, to a behavior that I had already observed in my life. This is the concept of stories. You’re probably thinking, big deal, stories, I hear those every day. And you’re right, you do hear stories every day, you even tell yourself stories. What I mean by stories is the things we tell ourselves about others, about our actions, the assumptions we make. Let me give an example for the sake of clarity. I frequently talk to someone and then when I walk away, I begin to make assumptions about what the other person meant by something they said or didn’t say. I will concoct a story that the person is angry with me or doesn’t like me all because of something they said. Or another example, you overhear part of someone else’s conversation, and you mentally try and fill in the rest, perhaps even getting angry because you think they are talking about you behind your back. In both cases you are telling yourself a story. You don’t know what was or is going on and so you fill in the blanks with your imagination.

We probably tell ourselves hundreds of small stories every day without ever realizing and for the most part it’s not a big deal. Because they don’t matter, but where the stories become a problem is when they interfere with the relationships we have. If, as in the first example, I tell myself the story that my friend is mad at me because they said something I didn’t like, our relationship begins to break down. Now this is easily solved in two ways, first realizing that I’m telling myself a story, and secondly going to the person and asking them what they really meant. In the second example, realizing that you’re telling yourself a story and disregarding it, might be all you need to do, or you could ask the people what they were talking about. Often times just realizing it’s a story is all it takes. Because you can then disregard what you we’re thinking and dispel the assumptions you’ve made. But far better is to take the opportunity to work on communication and clarify the situation with whoever you are interacting with. I know I have been prone to believing people I emailed are ignoring me when they don’t reply to my emails immediately, and most often that’s just a story, they weren’t ignoring me but were instead busy, or out of town, or any number of other things. But because I made an assumption and told myself a story about what was happening, I put myself in a place where I was upset. When I am conscious of the thoughts I am having and the stories I’m constructing, then I’m able to take actions against them. I can dispel the assumptions I’ve made, and strengthen my relationships through communication. So weather you call them stories or assumptions, we need to be on our guard against those that hinder and hold us back. If you tell yourself you can’t do something odds are you won’t be able to, but if you turn it around and tell yourself you can, you’re chances immediately go up.

Not all stories are bad though. Sometimes we tell ourselves positive stories; we assume the best of people and in doing so we manifest a positive attitude, which can be beneficial. But there is a danger in these stories as well. If we live in a perpetual world of positive assumptions and stories, we will be prone to disappointment. As people fail to live up to the positive assumptions we assign to them. I personally like to think the best of people and give them the benefit of the doubt. But at the same time it does no one a service if we view the world through rose tinted glasses. So while positive stories can be good, I would say it’s best to be wise and realize that no matter what the story is, it’s still a story and is no substitution for the truth.

Introspection

Introspection is an interesting thing. I find I spend a lot of time in introspection and I've learned that it can be a double edged sword.

Without taking time to reflect on the experiences in your life and the decisions you've made, it's hard to learn from what you've been through. Self analysis is integral to gaining wisdom or at least learning from your mistakes. So without at least pausing for the briefest of moments to reflect upon what has passed, you will simply be running blindly into the future. But if you spend too much time in reflection you run the risk of not living your life at all. It's possible to get lost in your thoughts and loose sight of what's right in front of you.

I know I often run afoul of over analyzing the events in my life. This happens most when an event or choice is followed by a long period where I have nothing to do, but think. Over analyzing is dangerous as well, because you begin to second guess yourself and your actions. And once you start to second guess your actions you've stopped learning from them and can become mired in self doubt.

The trouble with doubt is it's like a cancer, it spreads and eats away at you. You begin questioning first one decision and then another. This can in turn shake your confidence and cause more doubt. Doubt undermines self confidence further, which in turn effects your ability to be decisive and make decisions. This causes more doubt and less confidence. If you let it, this can become a vicious downward spiral. Luckily all it takes to break out of a cycle like this, is to get out of your own head. Frequently going and talking to someone is all it takes. Getting a second opinion on your decision will give you the perspective you need to stop questioning yourself.

This is why it's so important to have friends who will talk strait with you. Because while introspection is good, having someone who can hopefully, look at your situation objectively and tell you strait out, that you made a mistake and where you went wrong, is a great thing.

So to sum up take some time to examine your life, so you can learn from your mistakes, but don't spend too much time there, because its easy to get lost in your head and that can have dangerous results. And if you don't have friends to give you perspective, find some.

Wisdom

What is wisdom? Wisdom is insight and understanding. The ability to make the right choice in a difficult situation, the ability to look past everything to the core of an issue. To perceive, not just simply see. Wisdom is applied knowledge, but more than that, it's properly applied knowledge. History is filled with examples of intellectually brilliant people who were also utter fools. So rampant is this in fact that we could perhaps even say that folly is part of the human condition.

So then how does one gain wisdom, how does one become wise? To be wise one must be perceptive, able to analyze a situation or problem. For without a thorough understanding of the problem at hand it is impossible to make a wise choice. At this point you might ask what about someone who makes a wise choice without knowing it? I would say that the person was lucky but that luck is not wisdom. They could have just as easily made the wrong choice, and in fact very likely will, the next time they are confronted with a problem. I would rather be wise than lucky.

We must perceive so we can understand, because once we understand a problem we can begin to solve it. Take a mathematical equation for example. Without an understanding of how the equation works you would have trouble trying to solve it. If you can perceive and understand the problem then you can apply the appropriate knowledge to solve it. If you find a toilet that wont flush, you have perceived the problem. If you check the tank and find that it has water, you now understand that the problem is likely with the lever and that the stopper is not being lifted when the lever is depressed. With this knowledge and understanding it is a simple matter to check and find that, in this case the chain connecting the lever to the stopper has fallen off and simply hooking it back up will fix the problem.

Now in the case of the toilet you might say well that's just common sense. I believe that common sense is just the simple version of wisdom. You are considered wise when you make a smart choice in a difficult situation and you are considered to have common sense when you make a smart choice in a simple situation. Both require the same set of skills. The ability to look at a situation and analyze it and apply the knowledge you have to the situation at hand.

But we still haven't answered the question of how one actually gains wisdom or becomes wise. The most common way we gain wisdom, is by simply living. Nothing teaches wisdom like experience. As long as you are able to learn from your mistakes, life is perhaps the greats teacher there is. The only problem with learning through experience is that it's slow. You can only learn as fast as your experiences teach you. Another, faster way to gain wisdom is by learning from others, either by observing the cause and effect of their actions or by talking with those who are older and wiser than you.

You could call the things you learn from others borrowed wisdom but weather it's borrowed or learned the hard way all knowledge has the capacity to make you wiser; as long as you take it to heart and learn from it.

A keen perception and ability to analyze are both important to analyzing situations as they present themselves, allowing for proper application of wisdom, and also for analyzing the aftermath of choices and actions, to gain further wisdom.

It is my personal preference to learn from others mistakes and save myself the trouble and pain of making them myself. I am also all to glad to help others not make the mistakes I have, by sharing with them what wisdom I can. And I hope that I never stop learning and never stop gaining wisdom

Relationships

Love them or hate them relationships are always complicated. It's a miracle any of us manage to find someone to marry. Even fewer manage to do it for life. Making a life long marriage to one person work, takes a supreme commitment, lots of patience and stubborn dedication, to not give up.

Statistics say that less than 50% of marriages survive the difficulties and challenges of merging two lives. A pessimist might say that two people were never meant to know each other on such an intimate level. That knowledge, especially of each others flaws, is the downfall of relationships. And they might be right, knowledge of one another's flaws may well be the cause of many a failed relationship. But I disagree with the premise that we were not meant to be known intimately.

Humans are meant for relationships. Babies don't develop properly unless they have physical contact, unless they are held. People go slowly insane when isolated from contact with others. We need people, we need relationships, we crave to be know.

There are many reasons why relationships fail. One of the biggest reasons is that people move too fast. They get caught up in the way the relationship makes them feel and they let their emotions overrule their mind. Ignoring logic and rushing in. Commitment in a relationship should never overreach knowledge and vice versa. It's a fatal decision to build a relationship solely on emotions, because emotions fade and change. Any lasting relationship must be based on more than what you feel. It must be build on commitment and knowledge. Love is not blind, it does not ignore faults and wrongs, but it does accept and forgive.

So when you start a relationship it should progress slowly, not rushing ahead to the bedroom on the first date. Give your hormones time to cool before making any decisions. Keep it light to start with, have some fun. Why take everything so seriously. Loading a relationship down with expectations is another sure way to kill it before it has a chance to start. First dates should be for having fun and getting a feel for each other not delving deep into each others pasts.

Sharing deep and personal information like childhood traumas or physical abuse should probably wait till a rapport has been established and trust gained. Share too much too fast and you can build false intimacy. Which makes you feel close like you know the person and might incline you to take actions, or place trust, you might not otherwise.

Every time we meet someone new we put our best foot forward and hide our flaws. It's human nature to do so, especially if it's someone we like or are attracted to. Yet another reason to wait and get to know someone. As their guard comes down their flaws will begin to emerge and you will get a better idea of who the person really is. There can be no relationship without trust and there can be no trust without truth and knowledge. Truth and knowledge are both things that can not and should not be rushed.

A friend is someone who makes you better than you are. If someone is hurting you or tearing you down, they aren't your friend, this goes doubly for boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses. If they hurt you, walk away, no matter how nice or perfect they seem, there is nothing that makes that okay. It doesn't matter if it's physical or emotional; abuse is not an acceptable trait.

If you rush a relationship you might miss the warning signs that would have otherwise tipped you off to these tendencies. By the time you find out, it may be too late, you may feel trapped because of commitments you've made.

A significant other should be more than a friend, they should be a partner, a teammate. They should build you up, support you, strengthen you. They should be your compliment, holding you accountable. Helping you to stop bad habits, and start good ones. They should be a sounding board and a listening ear. They shouldn't be afraid to tell you when you are wrong.

A good relationship provides shelter and strength, it provides a firm foundation and a safe haven from which both partners can achieve greater things than they could on their own. Nothing inspires a man to greatness more than having a woman for which he is fighting and there is little that gives a woman more confidence than knowing she is loved and protected.

We can attain more together than apart, so take your time to build a solid foundation of trust and honesty. Take the time to see if someone is a good fit before making commitments, before giving away part of yourself.

When you do find that person who is a good fit, that is your other half, that compliments you, bringing their strengths to our weaknesses, be willing to commit. Don't go in with the mindset that you can bail if it gets hard. Really commit to it, go all in! Pour your all into the relationship. Love is a choice not an emotion, if you make that choice, commit to it.

I can't think of anything more exciting than spending a lifetime learning about my partner, and not just a knowledge of the facts about them, but who they are on the inside, what makes them tick, how they think, and what their dreams are. An intimate knowledge, beyond facts into the essence of the person. I could spend a lifetime learning and still have more to discover.

Confronting Truth

When you are presented with a truth or fact that contradicts what you believe to be true, you have three choices. Accept it and change what you believe, deny it and claim it isn't true, or ignore it and refuse to acknowledge that you ever encountered the truth. This last option is really just another form of denial. Rarely we will even encounter something so counter to what we know or believe that our mind rejects it outright, our mind literally can't believe that it is true.

But what happens when we are faced with a choice that requires action? What then? What happens when we are faced with a moral choice, one that has to do with what we believe to be true? If you believe that taking a human life is wrong, would you kill in self defense? To defend another? What happens if you do kill someone? Again you have two basic choices, accept it or deny it. Denying an action is much harder than denying a thought or idea. You have taken action and hard as you might try you can never take that choice back. You might be able to deny and ignore it for a short while, but the longer you do the more it festers unresolved.

You can try to rationalize it. "I killed that person because I had too", "I stole the food because I was starving". Humans are masters of rationalization, many could rationalize any action if the need arose. But rationalization is like painting over rot, the rot remains, even if you can no longer see it. Perhaps you don't feel as bad about it because it's out of sight, but your house is still structurally unsound.

Alternately you can accept what you did, accept the choice you made and deal with the consequences. What ever choice you make, you must decide what you believe about the moral or truth involved. Is it still true? To decide to change your beliefs may ease your guilt or shame over the action you took, but denying a wrong choice to save yourself guild does so at the cost of your morality and truth.

If you believe there is no absolute truth or morality, this isn't much of a problem. But then if truth is relative, why did you hold to the initial moral standard you believed. If truth is relative why have standards, why draw a line at all.

If truth and morality are absolute and you decide to change what you believe, you sacrifice your moral character and fiber. You might be able to live with this at first but each time you give ground on your beliefs, your morality erodes away. Till finally after time you look at where you are and where you came from and you have a crisis of faith or belief. You must now face the shame of your actions and what you have become, or decide that your morals don't matter to you as much as you say or think they do. Each choice makes the next that much easier. It may not be that your choices run directly counter to your beliefs either, they may be only slight compromises. But it's just as easy to find yourself going the wrong way as a result of a chain of small compromises as it is from one big one.

What ever the cause you have to deal with the result of your actions, whether, sooner or later. Accept, rationalize or deny, your choices will catch up with you eventually, and when they do you have to face the emotional and mental conflict and strife they bring. Without forgiveness there is no way to escape it.

The Zone

No I’m not talking about the twilight zone. One of my friends calls it the “coder’s trance”, most people refer to it as being in the zone. The zone, is a trance like state where all distractions and external input fall away and you are able to focus with single mindedness on the task in front of you. As an artist and writer, I am intimately familiar with this phenomenon and it is an interesting occurrence. When I’m there, I lose all track of time, tune out all sound and noise, and devote 100% of my attention and focus to the task at hand. This allows me to work with an incredible level of detail, and not get bored, as many people might. Each person has their own way of getting into this state, I tend to prefer to work late at night when the world is quiet and peaceful and there are few distractions. There isn’t even the sun to tell you the passage of time. I will often listen to techno, both because I like it and because I think the repeated rhythmic nature of the music helps with the focus, as well as it drowns out any remaining distractions. Though once I am in the zone, I often no longer consciously hear the music anymore.

There is something simple and beautiful about being in that state. It’s restful, and pleasant. It can even make mind numbingly dull repetitive tasks tolerable. How you ask? Well once you know how to get into the zone, it can be used on just about anything. I have worked as a stock person, and there really is nothing more mind numbing then organizing an entire stockroom worth of product, by size, style and color. But if you get into the zone, shut all distractions out and focus, you lose track of how long it’s taking you and you just do it. Typically when I do this it’s a bit different than when I’m working on art, though. When I am in an art trance, I’m 100% focused on the art, while when I am in a work zone, I will often put my body on autopilot and let my mind wander. Partitioning off a small portion of my brain to work on the easy task at hand, while devoting the remainder of my mind to thinking about other things. Weather that be analyzing my life, planning my novel, or just pondering random things, like those posted here on this blog, but sometimes, the brain just shuts off all together and I just work. I don’t think, I just do.

I’ve found in my personal experience that most activities, even complex ones, once learned take a small portion of the brain to repeat. The trick is to then learn how to divide your focus, allowing the part of your brain that needs to focus on the task at hand to do so, while allowing the rest of your mind to do whatever it wants.

I’m curious if other peoples experience of being in the zone are similar or if it’s different for each person. Please I’d like to hear from readers about this one.

Skin

Random thought for the day, Have you ever just stopped and marveled at the miracle that is your skin? Think about it for a second. Your skin is your largest organ. It can be as soft and supple as your lips, or as callous, thick and unfeeling as the soles of your feet. It's elastic, yet rigid at the same time. It moderates your body temperature, reacts to the sun to protect you, and synthesizes vitamin D from sunlight. If you get an injury as small as a paper cut or even as large as a burn, it will scab over and knit itself back together. And lets not forget that it provides you with your sense of touch, without which we would all be in a world of pain, or more precisely, not be. Simply amazing! :D