Okay I realize its been a while but here's a new post. :)
So I recently had the experience of interviewing potential roommates. This is something I’ve done before but this time it was different. Before I kind of always went with the first person I talked to and that worked out fine. But this time we interviewed over a dozen people in a little over a week. Never have I tried to asses so many people in such a short time and what I found interesting about the experience was how I went about it. I relied heavily upon my intuition. Listening to my intuition or my gut if you want to call it that, isn’t new to me, but seldom have I sat down and analyzed my intuitive reactions the way I did in this process. A person would interview and then after they left my roommate and I would sit down and discuss our impressions. Often times it would result in us trying to define the feel of the person, that intuitive read we got off the person.
This might strike the non intuitive types as a little strange, but my life has taught me to trust my intuition. But then what is intuition? Webster defines it as quick and ready insight, or the power or faculty of attaining to direct knowledge or cognition without evident rational thought and inference. The best explanation I’ve come to is that my intuition is my brain subconsciously piecing bits of information together. This information can be obvious things but often as not its putting together the bits and pieces of information that aren’t readily apparent. You may ask, what I mean by that. I mean that our brains receive more input than we consciously register. Things like vocal inflection, posture, facial expressions.
There are things called micro expressions, they are brief, involuntary expressions shown on the face according to emotions experienced. The mind perceives these, but unless you’re trained to recognize them, you wouldn’t consciously register them. All this kind of information goes into your subconscious and mills about. Big deal you say. It is a big deal, because unlike computers one of the things the brain does best, is to piece together disparate bits of information that would otherwise seem unconnected and that’s the key to intuition. The minds ability to collect, analyze, and collate information until it comes to a conclusion. Then the subconscious presents this conclusion to the conscious mind.
The way this looks in action is I’ll be doing something and all of a sudden I’ll have an idea or a feeling about something, I can’t tell you why I feel that way or what made me think what I think, but as often as not I end up being right. Most of the time it’s not a clear cut fully formed idea as it is more of a feeling or gut reaction, which in turn requires interpretation. Do I not like this situation because something is wrong, or did I just eat something bad last night?
So back to interviewing, we would end up trying to describe the feel of people, using words like clean, or uncomfortable. But once we had a description we would usually try to work backwards and figure out what it was that lead to that particular impression. This person felt awkward, why was that. Well perhaps it was because he was constantly shifting his weight back and forth. Why? Maybe because he was nervous or maybe he just needed to go to the bathroom. But if we take it in the context of his hesitant speech, it’s likely that he was nervous. What does that mean about him as a person? Well it doesn’t necessarily mean much of anything, as interviewing is hard and most everyone is nervous. But after half an hour of talking if he’s still nervous that might mean something. Perhaps the person lacks confidence. Who knows.
What I find interesting is I can often get a read/ impression off someone in five min or less. That impression is not all ways 100% accurate but I’d put it in at least the 80% range. Which brings up another question how is it possible to asses a person in less than 5 min. There is generally not enough speech in a 5 min conversation to get to know a person, and really how many nonverbal ques can you pick up in that time as well. This moves us a little more into the realm of auras, the idea that people have a physical and metaphysical presence. I don’t personally buy completely into the concept of auras but I will accept that there is more going on in this world than can be explained by science. I can tell you from personal experience, it is possible to detect the presence of another person in complete darkness. You can literally feel them, even if they are several feet away. It is also possible to identify someone who you can’t see by their feel, though this usually requires familiarity with the person. Science tells us that we are an electromagnetic system, our bodies are full of energy. So is it outside the realm of possibility that we can sense or feel the energy field of another person, I don’t think it is. And is it possible that this field could tell you something about the person? I don’t see why not. I know from my study of the body and personal experience that as strange as it sounds muscles can hold memories. Tension in the muscles will also affect the rest of the body and not just by throwing other parts of the body out of alignment. Acupuncture works upon the principle of the flow and interconnectedness of energy in the body and the idea that the flow can be manipulated to help healing. That knots or blockages in the flow affect other parts of the body. So if we can feel the electrical field of someone why couldn’t that field tell us about what’s going on in their body. If they are stressed or off balance somehow and if muscles can hold memories than why not be able to pick up on thoughts or feelings through that same field.
I don’t know but it seems at least plausible. So call it auras, call it spiritual sensitivity, or electromagnetic detection, or intuition, call it whatever you want but I’m going to keep trusting my instincts on people and situations, and perhaps the next time you have a nagging feeling in the back of your mind about something, you should stop and think about why that is.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Monday, September 20, 2010
Humility
So what is humility? Webster defines humility as “the state of being humble”, and it defines humble as “not proud or haughty”. I find it interesting that humility is defined by what it’s not. But if we stop and try to define humility in the positive we find it to be an elusive concept, and hard to define. In my life I strive to live an existence of humility. So I will define it by what it means to me, in a practical sense. In my life, I value others higher than myself, I don’t feel superior or look down on others, I try not to judge others, but instead live by the facts I observe, not the assumptions I make.
You’re probably wondering why anyone would want to live like this. First off, I find arrogance to be aggravating and I think most people would agree. Secondly by living a life devoid of judgment or assumptions I’m able to interact with others in a more meaningful way. Rather than looking down on someone when I find out about a mistake they’ve made in their life, and thinking myself better than them, I’m able to engage with them in an empathetic way. I’m able to have conversations that I would otherwise not be able to have. Judgment and condemnation break down communication and create distance in relationships.
Living a life of humility has a simplicity and calmness to it. It removes the social jockeying and posturing in relationships. Having an accurate understanding of one’s faults, flaws, and weaknesses, creates humility and allows an acceptance of others for who they are, faults, flaws, and all. When you stop trying to make others see how great you are, you begin to see how amazing the people around you are and you begin to really value and appreciate the people you know and the relationships you have. When you stop for a moment and take a good look at the people around you, setting aside preconceptions you begin to see what others have to offer. The person you previously ignored or labeled as insignificant turns out to be an amazing person with diverse talents.
I think for most people the bravado and bluster is a defensive mechanism to hide their own insecurities. I know that I seek affirmation from others to make myself feel better, but when you go fishing for compliments it makes you seem arrogant. On the outside it looks like your saying, “Look how cool I am,” When on the inside you’re saying, “please someone tell me I’m worth something”. It’s the bully mentality. Psychology has revealed that most bullies are themselves insecure, and this is why they bully others. They do it to bolster their own feeling of self worth by putting others down. We as a culture do the same thing to a lesser degree. We are insecure in ourselves and so we cover with bravado. This is why the concept of humility is so hard for many people. To stop and take a real look at ourselves would mean having to deal with our own insecurities. To accept that others are better than us, let alone tell them so, means admitting our own faults and insecurities.
Someone out there might be thinking, wouldn’t being humble be much like having low self esteem? And in some ways it would look similar. Someone with low self esteem lacks a belief in their own value and as a result might defer to others. But choosing to be humble is fundamentally different. Choosing to value others above oneself is very different than believing you are worthless and others are better than you. The key is in the choice. In humility you are saying that regardless of how great or insignificant you believe yourself to be, you choose to treat others with respect and honor as though they were greater, and more important than yourself.
This brings me to another point. Humility does not mean being a doormat. It does not mean letting yourself get walked all over by others, which is what someone with low self esteem would be inclined to do. By making the choice to value others, you have the power to also choose to not value them. If someone starts to bully you, you can stand up to them, humility does not mean letting others treat you as if you are worthless. Placing yourself in a position of submission is different from being worthless.
This is the fallacy of the service industry. Customers treat the employees of stores, shops, and restaurants as though they are somehow beneath them. When choosing to humble yourself and serve others, is in fact the harder position to be in. To do it with a smile in the face of harassment and general disrespect from the population at large is a monumental task. The employees are humbling themselves to serve you, so next time you are in a restaurant or store, think of them as the people they are not as whatever you perceive them to be. They are people just like you, no better and no worse. The difficulty of doing a service job is that for the most part you aren’t allowed to stand up for yourself if someone treats you poorly. But in life as a whole, if you are choosing to serve others or choosing to be humble, you can stand up for yourself.
Now having said all this I should mention that living a life of humility is not easy. It seems to be in our nature as humans to fight for superiority, to put others down and strive to be top dog. Especially in a modern capitalist culture like America, choosing a life of service or humility is counter cultural, and may even seem counter intuitive. But as hard as it is, I find it brings a greater peace than striving to always be better than the next guy. I strive to be the best I can be and make no judgments about weather that’s any better or worse than the person sitting next to me on the bus, or in line at the grocery store. And in the process it frees me to have more meaningful relationships with the people I meet.
You’re probably wondering why anyone would want to live like this. First off, I find arrogance to be aggravating and I think most people would agree. Secondly by living a life devoid of judgment or assumptions I’m able to interact with others in a more meaningful way. Rather than looking down on someone when I find out about a mistake they’ve made in their life, and thinking myself better than them, I’m able to engage with them in an empathetic way. I’m able to have conversations that I would otherwise not be able to have. Judgment and condemnation break down communication and create distance in relationships.
Living a life of humility has a simplicity and calmness to it. It removes the social jockeying and posturing in relationships. Having an accurate understanding of one’s faults, flaws, and weaknesses, creates humility and allows an acceptance of others for who they are, faults, flaws, and all. When you stop trying to make others see how great you are, you begin to see how amazing the people around you are and you begin to really value and appreciate the people you know and the relationships you have. When you stop for a moment and take a good look at the people around you, setting aside preconceptions you begin to see what others have to offer. The person you previously ignored or labeled as insignificant turns out to be an amazing person with diverse talents.
I think for most people the bravado and bluster is a defensive mechanism to hide their own insecurities. I know that I seek affirmation from others to make myself feel better, but when you go fishing for compliments it makes you seem arrogant. On the outside it looks like your saying, “Look how cool I am,” When on the inside you’re saying, “please someone tell me I’m worth something”. It’s the bully mentality. Psychology has revealed that most bullies are themselves insecure, and this is why they bully others. They do it to bolster their own feeling of self worth by putting others down. We as a culture do the same thing to a lesser degree. We are insecure in ourselves and so we cover with bravado. This is why the concept of humility is so hard for many people. To stop and take a real look at ourselves would mean having to deal with our own insecurities. To accept that others are better than us, let alone tell them so, means admitting our own faults and insecurities.
Someone out there might be thinking, wouldn’t being humble be much like having low self esteem? And in some ways it would look similar. Someone with low self esteem lacks a belief in their own value and as a result might defer to others. But choosing to be humble is fundamentally different. Choosing to value others above oneself is very different than believing you are worthless and others are better than you. The key is in the choice. In humility you are saying that regardless of how great or insignificant you believe yourself to be, you choose to treat others with respect and honor as though they were greater, and more important than yourself.
This brings me to another point. Humility does not mean being a doormat. It does not mean letting yourself get walked all over by others, which is what someone with low self esteem would be inclined to do. By making the choice to value others, you have the power to also choose to not value them. If someone starts to bully you, you can stand up to them, humility does not mean letting others treat you as if you are worthless. Placing yourself in a position of submission is different from being worthless.
This is the fallacy of the service industry. Customers treat the employees of stores, shops, and restaurants as though they are somehow beneath them. When choosing to humble yourself and serve others, is in fact the harder position to be in. To do it with a smile in the face of harassment and general disrespect from the population at large is a monumental task. The employees are humbling themselves to serve you, so next time you are in a restaurant or store, think of them as the people they are not as whatever you perceive them to be. They are people just like you, no better and no worse. The difficulty of doing a service job is that for the most part you aren’t allowed to stand up for yourself if someone treats you poorly. But in life as a whole, if you are choosing to serve others or choosing to be humble, you can stand up for yourself.
Now having said all this I should mention that living a life of humility is not easy. It seems to be in our nature as humans to fight for superiority, to put others down and strive to be top dog. Especially in a modern capitalist culture like America, choosing a life of service or humility is counter cultural, and may even seem counter intuitive. But as hard as it is, I find it brings a greater peace than striving to always be better than the next guy. I strive to be the best I can be and make no judgments about weather that’s any better or worse than the person sitting next to me on the bus, or in line at the grocery store. And in the process it frees me to have more meaningful relationships with the people I meet.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Stories
Recently I was presented with a concept, one that gave a name or a frame work, if you will, to a behavior that I had already observed in my life. This is the concept of stories. You’re probably thinking, big deal, stories, I hear those every day. And you’re right, you do hear stories every day, you even tell yourself stories. What I mean by stories is the things we tell ourselves about others, about our actions, the assumptions we make. Let me give an example for the sake of clarity. I frequently talk to someone and then when I walk away, I begin to make assumptions about what the other person meant by something they said or didn’t say. I will concoct a story that the person is angry with me or doesn’t like me all because of something they said. Or another example, you overhear part of someone else’s conversation, and you mentally try and fill in the rest, perhaps even getting angry because you think they are talking about you behind your back. In both cases you are telling yourself a story. You don’t know what was or is going on and so you fill in the blanks with your imagination.
We probably tell ourselves hundreds of small stories every day without ever realizing and for the most part it’s not a big deal. Because they don’t matter, but where the stories become a problem is when they interfere with the relationships we have. If, as in the first example, I tell myself the story that my friend is mad at me because they said something I didn’t like, our relationship begins to break down. Now this is easily solved in two ways, first realizing that I’m telling myself a story, and secondly going to the person and asking them what they really meant. In the second example, realizing that you’re telling yourself a story and disregarding it, might be all you need to do, or you could ask the people what they were talking about. Often times just realizing it’s a story is all it takes. Because you can then disregard what you we’re thinking and dispel the assumptions you’ve made. But far better is to take the opportunity to work on communication and clarify the situation with whoever you are interacting with. I know I have been prone to believing people I emailed are ignoring me when they don’t reply to my emails immediately, and most often that’s just a story, they weren’t ignoring me but were instead busy, or out of town, or any number of other things. But because I made an assumption and told myself a story about what was happening, I put myself in a place where I was upset. When I am conscious of the thoughts I am having and the stories I’m constructing, then I’m able to take actions against them. I can dispel the assumptions I’ve made, and strengthen my relationships through communication. So weather you call them stories or assumptions, we need to be on our guard against those that hinder and hold us back. If you tell yourself you can’t do something odds are you won’t be able to, but if you turn it around and tell yourself you can, you’re chances immediately go up.
Not all stories are bad though. Sometimes we tell ourselves positive stories; we assume the best of people and in doing so we manifest a positive attitude, which can be beneficial. But there is a danger in these stories as well. If we live in a perpetual world of positive assumptions and stories, we will be prone to disappointment. As people fail to live up to the positive assumptions we assign to them. I personally like to think the best of people and give them the benefit of the doubt. But at the same time it does no one a service if we view the world through rose tinted glasses. So while positive stories can be good, I would say it’s best to be wise and realize that no matter what the story is, it’s still a story and is no substitution for the truth.
We probably tell ourselves hundreds of small stories every day without ever realizing and for the most part it’s not a big deal. Because they don’t matter, but where the stories become a problem is when they interfere with the relationships we have. If, as in the first example, I tell myself the story that my friend is mad at me because they said something I didn’t like, our relationship begins to break down. Now this is easily solved in two ways, first realizing that I’m telling myself a story, and secondly going to the person and asking them what they really meant. In the second example, realizing that you’re telling yourself a story and disregarding it, might be all you need to do, or you could ask the people what they were talking about. Often times just realizing it’s a story is all it takes. Because you can then disregard what you we’re thinking and dispel the assumptions you’ve made. But far better is to take the opportunity to work on communication and clarify the situation with whoever you are interacting with. I know I have been prone to believing people I emailed are ignoring me when they don’t reply to my emails immediately, and most often that’s just a story, they weren’t ignoring me but were instead busy, or out of town, or any number of other things. But because I made an assumption and told myself a story about what was happening, I put myself in a place where I was upset. When I am conscious of the thoughts I am having and the stories I’m constructing, then I’m able to take actions against them. I can dispel the assumptions I’ve made, and strengthen my relationships through communication. So weather you call them stories or assumptions, we need to be on our guard against those that hinder and hold us back. If you tell yourself you can’t do something odds are you won’t be able to, but if you turn it around and tell yourself you can, you’re chances immediately go up.
Not all stories are bad though. Sometimes we tell ourselves positive stories; we assume the best of people and in doing so we manifest a positive attitude, which can be beneficial. But there is a danger in these stories as well. If we live in a perpetual world of positive assumptions and stories, we will be prone to disappointment. As people fail to live up to the positive assumptions we assign to them. I personally like to think the best of people and give them the benefit of the doubt. But at the same time it does no one a service if we view the world through rose tinted glasses. So while positive stories can be good, I would say it’s best to be wise and realize that no matter what the story is, it’s still a story and is no substitution for the truth.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Introspection
Introspection is an interesting thing. I find I spend a lot of time in introspection and I've learned that it can be a double edged sword.
Without taking time to reflect on the experiences in your life and the decisions you've made, it's hard to learn from what you've been through. Self analysis is integral to gaining wisdom or at least learning from your mistakes. So without at least pausing for the briefest of moments to reflect upon what has passed, you will simply be running blindly into the future. But if you spend too much time in reflection you run the risk of not living your life at all. It's possible to get lost in your thoughts and loose sight of what's right in front of you.
I know I often run afoul of over analyzing the events in my life. This happens most when an event or choice is followed by a long period where I have nothing to do, but think. Over analyzing is dangerous as well, because you begin to second guess yourself and your actions. And once you start to second guess your actions you've stopped learning from them and can become mired in self doubt.
The trouble with doubt is it's like a cancer, it spreads and eats away at you. You begin questioning first one decision and then another. This can in turn shake your confidence and cause more doubt. Doubt undermines self confidence further, which in turn effects your ability to be decisive and make decisions. This causes more doubt and less confidence. If you let it, this can become a vicious downward spiral. Luckily all it takes to break out of a cycle like this, is to get out of your own head. Frequently going and talking to someone is all it takes. Getting a second opinion on your decision will give you the perspective you need to stop questioning yourself.
This is why it's so important to have friends who will talk strait with you. Because while introspection is good, having someone who can hopefully, look at your situation objectively and tell you strait out, that you made a mistake and where you went wrong, is a great thing.
So to sum up take some time to examine your life, so you can learn from your mistakes, but don't spend too much time there, because its easy to get lost in your head and that can have dangerous results. And if you don't have friends to give you perspective, find some.
Without taking time to reflect on the experiences in your life and the decisions you've made, it's hard to learn from what you've been through. Self analysis is integral to gaining wisdom or at least learning from your mistakes. So without at least pausing for the briefest of moments to reflect upon what has passed, you will simply be running blindly into the future. But if you spend too much time in reflection you run the risk of not living your life at all. It's possible to get lost in your thoughts and loose sight of what's right in front of you.
I know I often run afoul of over analyzing the events in my life. This happens most when an event or choice is followed by a long period where I have nothing to do, but think. Over analyzing is dangerous as well, because you begin to second guess yourself and your actions. And once you start to second guess your actions you've stopped learning from them and can become mired in self doubt.
The trouble with doubt is it's like a cancer, it spreads and eats away at you. You begin questioning first one decision and then another. This can in turn shake your confidence and cause more doubt. Doubt undermines self confidence further, which in turn effects your ability to be decisive and make decisions. This causes more doubt and less confidence. If you let it, this can become a vicious downward spiral. Luckily all it takes to break out of a cycle like this, is to get out of your own head. Frequently going and talking to someone is all it takes. Getting a second opinion on your decision will give you the perspective you need to stop questioning yourself.
This is why it's so important to have friends who will talk strait with you. Because while introspection is good, having someone who can hopefully, look at your situation objectively and tell you strait out, that you made a mistake and where you went wrong, is a great thing.
So to sum up take some time to examine your life, so you can learn from your mistakes, but don't spend too much time there, because its easy to get lost in your head and that can have dangerous results. And if you don't have friends to give you perspective, find some.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Wisdom
What is wisdom? Wisdom is insight and understanding. The ability to make the right choice in a difficult situation, the ability to look past everything to the core of an issue. To perceive, not just simply see. Wisdom is applied knowledge, but more than that, it's properly applied knowledge. History is filled with examples of intellectually brilliant people who were also utter fools. So rampant is this in fact that we could perhaps even say that folly is part of the human condition.
So then how does one gain wisdom, how does one become wise? To be wise one must be perceptive, able to analyze a situation or problem. For without a thorough understanding of the problem at hand it is impossible to make a wise choice. At this point you might ask what about someone who makes a wise choice without knowing it? I would say that the person was lucky but that luck is not wisdom. They could have just as easily made the wrong choice, and in fact very likely will, the next time they are confronted with a problem. I would rather be wise than lucky.
We must perceive so we can understand, because once we understand a problem we can begin to solve it. Take a mathematical equation for example. Without an understanding of how the equation works you would have trouble trying to solve it. If you can perceive and understand the problem then you can apply the appropriate knowledge to solve it. If you find a toilet that wont flush, you have perceived the problem. If you check the tank and find that it has water, you now understand that the problem is likely with the lever and that the stopper is not being lifted when the lever is depressed. With this knowledge and understanding it is a simple matter to check and find that, in this case the chain connecting the lever to the stopper has fallen off and simply hooking it back up will fix the problem.
Now in the case of the toilet you might say well that's just common sense. I believe that common sense is just the simple version of wisdom. You are considered wise when you make a smart choice in a difficult situation and you are considered to have common sense when you make a smart choice in a simple situation. Both require the same set of skills. The ability to look at a situation and analyze it and apply the knowledge you have to the situation at hand.
But we still haven't answered the question of how one actually gains wisdom or becomes wise. The most common way we gain wisdom, is by simply living. Nothing teaches wisdom like experience. As long as you are able to learn from your mistakes, life is perhaps the greats teacher there is. The only problem with learning through experience is that it's slow. You can only learn as fast as your experiences teach you. Another, faster way to gain wisdom is by learning from others, either by observing the cause and effect of their actions or by talking with those who are older and wiser than you.
You could call the things you learn from others borrowed wisdom but weather it's borrowed or learned the hard way all knowledge has the capacity to make you wiser; as long as you take it to heart and learn from it.
A keen perception and ability to analyze are both important to analyzing situations as they present themselves, allowing for proper application of wisdom, and also for analyzing the aftermath of choices and actions, to gain further wisdom.
It is my personal preference to learn from others mistakes and save myself the trouble and pain of making them myself. I am also all to glad to help others not make the mistakes I have, by sharing with them what wisdom I can. And I hope that I never stop learning and never stop gaining wisdom
So then how does one gain wisdom, how does one become wise? To be wise one must be perceptive, able to analyze a situation or problem. For without a thorough understanding of the problem at hand it is impossible to make a wise choice. At this point you might ask what about someone who makes a wise choice without knowing it? I would say that the person was lucky but that luck is not wisdom. They could have just as easily made the wrong choice, and in fact very likely will, the next time they are confronted with a problem. I would rather be wise than lucky.
We must perceive so we can understand, because once we understand a problem we can begin to solve it. Take a mathematical equation for example. Without an understanding of how the equation works you would have trouble trying to solve it. If you can perceive and understand the problem then you can apply the appropriate knowledge to solve it. If you find a toilet that wont flush, you have perceived the problem. If you check the tank and find that it has water, you now understand that the problem is likely with the lever and that the stopper is not being lifted when the lever is depressed. With this knowledge and understanding it is a simple matter to check and find that, in this case the chain connecting the lever to the stopper has fallen off and simply hooking it back up will fix the problem.
Now in the case of the toilet you might say well that's just common sense. I believe that common sense is just the simple version of wisdom. You are considered wise when you make a smart choice in a difficult situation and you are considered to have common sense when you make a smart choice in a simple situation. Both require the same set of skills. The ability to look at a situation and analyze it and apply the knowledge you have to the situation at hand.
But we still haven't answered the question of how one actually gains wisdom or becomes wise. The most common way we gain wisdom, is by simply living. Nothing teaches wisdom like experience. As long as you are able to learn from your mistakes, life is perhaps the greats teacher there is. The only problem with learning through experience is that it's slow. You can only learn as fast as your experiences teach you. Another, faster way to gain wisdom is by learning from others, either by observing the cause and effect of their actions or by talking with those who are older and wiser than you.
You could call the things you learn from others borrowed wisdom but weather it's borrowed or learned the hard way all knowledge has the capacity to make you wiser; as long as you take it to heart and learn from it.
A keen perception and ability to analyze are both important to analyzing situations as they present themselves, allowing for proper application of wisdom, and also for analyzing the aftermath of choices and actions, to gain further wisdom.
It is my personal preference to learn from others mistakes and save myself the trouble and pain of making them myself. I am also all to glad to help others not make the mistakes I have, by sharing with them what wisdom I can. And I hope that I never stop learning and never stop gaining wisdom
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Relationships
Love them or hate them relationships are always complicated. It's a miracle any of us manage to find someone to marry. Even fewer manage to do it for life. Making a life long marriage to one person work, takes a supreme commitment, lots of patience and stubborn dedication, to not give up.
Statistics say that less than 50% of marriages survive the difficulties and challenges of merging two lives. A pessimist might say that two people were never meant to know each other on such an intimate level. That knowledge, especially of each others flaws, is the downfall of relationships. And they might be right, knowledge of one another's flaws may well be the cause of many a failed relationship. But I disagree with the premise that we were not meant to be known intimately.
Humans are meant for relationships. Babies don't develop properly unless they have physical contact, unless they are held. People go slowly insane when isolated from contact with others. We need people, we need relationships, we crave to be know.
There are many reasons why relationships fail. One of the biggest reasons is that people move too fast. They get caught up in the way the relationship makes them feel and they let their emotions overrule their mind. Ignoring logic and rushing in. Commitment in a relationship should never overreach knowledge and vice versa. It's a fatal decision to build a relationship solely on emotions, because emotions fade and change. Any lasting relationship must be based on more than what you feel. It must be build on commitment and knowledge. Love is not blind, it does not ignore faults and wrongs, but it does accept and forgive.
So when you start a relationship it should progress slowly, not rushing ahead to the bedroom on the first date. Give your hormones time to cool before making any decisions. Keep it light to start with, have some fun. Why take everything so seriously. Loading a relationship down with expectations is another sure way to kill it before it has a chance to start. First dates should be for having fun and getting a feel for each other not delving deep into each others pasts.
Sharing deep and personal information like childhood traumas or physical abuse should probably wait till a rapport has been established and trust gained. Share too much too fast and you can build false intimacy. Which makes you feel close like you know the person and might incline you to take actions, or place trust, you might not otherwise.
Every time we meet someone new we put our best foot forward and hide our flaws. It's human nature to do so, especially if it's someone we like or are attracted to. Yet another reason to wait and get to know someone. As their guard comes down their flaws will begin to emerge and you will get a better idea of who the person really is. There can be no relationship without trust and there can be no trust without truth and knowledge. Truth and knowledge are both things that can not and should not be rushed.
A friend is someone who makes you better than you are. If someone is hurting you or tearing you down, they aren't your friend, this goes doubly for boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses. If they hurt you, walk away, no matter how nice or perfect they seem, there is nothing that makes that okay. It doesn't matter if it's physical or emotional; abuse is not an acceptable trait.
If you rush a relationship you might miss the warning signs that would have otherwise tipped you off to these tendencies. By the time you find out, it may be too late, you may feel trapped because of commitments you've made.
A significant other should be more than a friend, they should be a partner, a teammate. They should build you up, support you, strengthen you. They should be your compliment, holding you accountable. Helping you to stop bad habits, and start good ones. They should be a sounding board and a listening ear. They shouldn't be afraid to tell you when you are wrong.
A good relationship provides shelter and strength, it provides a firm foundation and a safe haven from which both partners can achieve greater things than they could on their own. Nothing inspires a man to greatness more than having a woman for which he is fighting and there is little that gives a woman more confidence than knowing she is loved and protected.
We can attain more together than apart, so take your time to build a solid foundation of trust and honesty. Take the time to see if someone is a good fit before making commitments, before giving away part of yourself.
When you do find that person who is a good fit, that is your other half, that compliments you, bringing their strengths to our weaknesses, be willing to commit. Don't go in with the mindset that you can bail if it gets hard. Really commit to it, go all in! Pour your all into the relationship. Love is a choice not an emotion, if you make that choice, commit to it.
I can't think of anything more exciting than spending a lifetime learning about my partner, and not just a knowledge of the facts about them, but who they are on the inside, what makes them tick, how they think, and what their dreams are. An intimate knowledge, beyond facts into the essence of the person. I could spend a lifetime learning and still have more to discover.
Statistics say that less than 50% of marriages survive the difficulties and challenges of merging two lives. A pessimist might say that two people were never meant to know each other on such an intimate level. That knowledge, especially of each others flaws, is the downfall of relationships. And they might be right, knowledge of one another's flaws may well be the cause of many a failed relationship. But I disagree with the premise that we were not meant to be known intimately.
Humans are meant for relationships. Babies don't develop properly unless they have physical contact, unless they are held. People go slowly insane when isolated from contact with others. We need people, we need relationships, we crave to be know.
There are many reasons why relationships fail. One of the biggest reasons is that people move too fast. They get caught up in the way the relationship makes them feel and they let their emotions overrule their mind. Ignoring logic and rushing in. Commitment in a relationship should never overreach knowledge and vice versa. It's a fatal decision to build a relationship solely on emotions, because emotions fade and change. Any lasting relationship must be based on more than what you feel. It must be build on commitment and knowledge. Love is not blind, it does not ignore faults and wrongs, but it does accept and forgive.
So when you start a relationship it should progress slowly, not rushing ahead to the bedroom on the first date. Give your hormones time to cool before making any decisions. Keep it light to start with, have some fun. Why take everything so seriously. Loading a relationship down with expectations is another sure way to kill it before it has a chance to start. First dates should be for having fun and getting a feel for each other not delving deep into each others pasts.
Sharing deep and personal information like childhood traumas or physical abuse should probably wait till a rapport has been established and trust gained. Share too much too fast and you can build false intimacy. Which makes you feel close like you know the person and might incline you to take actions, or place trust, you might not otherwise.
Every time we meet someone new we put our best foot forward and hide our flaws. It's human nature to do so, especially if it's someone we like or are attracted to. Yet another reason to wait and get to know someone. As their guard comes down their flaws will begin to emerge and you will get a better idea of who the person really is. There can be no relationship without trust and there can be no trust without truth and knowledge. Truth and knowledge are both things that can not and should not be rushed.
A friend is someone who makes you better than you are. If someone is hurting you or tearing you down, they aren't your friend, this goes doubly for boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses. If they hurt you, walk away, no matter how nice or perfect they seem, there is nothing that makes that okay. It doesn't matter if it's physical or emotional; abuse is not an acceptable trait.
If you rush a relationship you might miss the warning signs that would have otherwise tipped you off to these tendencies. By the time you find out, it may be too late, you may feel trapped because of commitments you've made.
A significant other should be more than a friend, they should be a partner, a teammate. They should build you up, support you, strengthen you. They should be your compliment, holding you accountable. Helping you to stop bad habits, and start good ones. They should be a sounding board and a listening ear. They shouldn't be afraid to tell you when you are wrong.
A good relationship provides shelter and strength, it provides a firm foundation and a safe haven from which both partners can achieve greater things than they could on their own. Nothing inspires a man to greatness more than having a woman for which he is fighting and there is little that gives a woman more confidence than knowing she is loved and protected.
We can attain more together than apart, so take your time to build a solid foundation of trust and honesty. Take the time to see if someone is a good fit before making commitments, before giving away part of yourself.
When you do find that person who is a good fit, that is your other half, that compliments you, bringing their strengths to our weaknesses, be willing to commit. Don't go in with the mindset that you can bail if it gets hard. Really commit to it, go all in! Pour your all into the relationship. Love is a choice not an emotion, if you make that choice, commit to it.
I can't think of anything more exciting than spending a lifetime learning about my partner, and not just a knowledge of the facts about them, but who they are on the inside, what makes them tick, how they think, and what their dreams are. An intimate knowledge, beyond facts into the essence of the person. I could spend a lifetime learning and still have more to discover.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Confronting Truth
When you are presented with a truth or fact that contradicts what you believe to be true, you have three choices. Accept it and change what you believe, deny it and claim it isn't true, or ignore it and refuse to acknowledge that you ever encountered the truth. This last option is really just another form of denial. Rarely we will even encounter something so counter to what we know or believe that our mind rejects it outright, our mind literally can't believe that it is true.
But what happens when we are faced with a choice that requires action? What then? What happens when we are faced with a moral choice, one that has to do with what we believe to be true? If you believe that taking a human life is wrong, would you kill in self defense? To defend another? What happens if you do kill someone? Again you have two basic choices, accept it or deny it. Denying an action is much harder than denying a thought or idea. You have taken action and hard as you might try you can never take that choice back. You might be able to deny and ignore it for a short while, but the longer you do the more it festers unresolved.
You can try to rationalize it. "I killed that person because I had too", "I stole the food because I was starving". Humans are masters of rationalization, many could rationalize any action if the need arose. But rationalization is like painting over rot, the rot remains, even if you can no longer see it. Perhaps you don't feel as bad about it because it's out of sight, but your house is still structurally unsound.
Alternately you can accept what you did, accept the choice you made and deal with the consequences. What ever choice you make, you must decide what you believe about the moral or truth involved. Is it still true? To decide to change your beliefs may ease your guilt or shame over the action you took, but denying a wrong choice to save yourself guild does so at the cost of your morality and truth.
If you believe there is no absolute truth or morality, this isn't much of a problem. But then if truth is relative, why did you hold to the initial moral standard you believed. If truth is relative why have standards, why draw a line at all.
If truth and morality are absolute and you decide to change what you believe, you sacrifice your moral character and fiber. You might be able to live with this at first but each time you give ground on your beliefs, your morality erodes away. Till finally after time you look at where you are and where you came from and you have a crisis of faith or belief. You must now face the shame of your actions and what you have become, or decide that your morals don't matter to you as much as you say or think they do. Each choice makes the next that much easier. It may not be that your choices run directly counter to your beliefs either, they may be only slight compromises. But it's just as easy to find yourself going the wrong way as a result of a chain of small compromises as it is from one big one.
What ever the cause you have to deal with the result of your actions, whether, sooner or later. Accept, rationalize or deny, your choices will catch up with you eventually, and when they do you have to face the emotional and mental conflict and strife they bring. Without forgiveness there is no way to escape it.
But what happens when we are faced with a choice that requires action? What then? What happens when we are faced with a moral choice, one that has to do with what we believe to be true? If you believe that taking a human life is wrong, would you kill in self defense? To defend another? What happens if you do kill someone? Again you have two basic choices, accept it or deny it. Denying an action is much harder than denying a thought or idea. You have taken action and hard as you might try you can never take that choice back. You might be able to deny and ignore it for a short while, but the longer you do the more it festers unresolved.
You can try to rationalize it. "I killed that person because I had too", "I stole the food because I was starving". Humans are masters of rationalization, many could rationalize any action if the need arose. But rationalization is like painting over rot, the rot remains, even if you can no longer see it. Perhaps you don't feel as bad about it because it's out of sight, but your house is still structurally unsound.
Alternately you can accept what you did, accept the choice you made and deal with the consequences. What ever choice you make, you must decide what you believe about the moral or truth involved. Is it still true? To decide to change your beliefs may ease your guilt or shame over the action you took, but denying a wrong choice to save yourself guild does so at the cost of your morality and truth.
If you believe there is no absolute truth or morality, this isn't much of a problem. But then if truth is relative, why did you hold to the initial moral standard you believed. If truth is relative why have standards, why draw a line at all.
If truth and morality are absolute and you decide to change what you believe, you sacrifice your moral character and fiber. You might be able to live with this at first but each time you give ground on your beliefs, your morality erodes away. Till finally after time you look at where you are and where you came from and you have a crisis of faith or belief. You must now face the shame of your actions and what you have become, or decide that your morals don't matter to you as much as you say or think they do. Each choice makes the next that much easier. It may not be that your choices run directly counter to your beliefs either, they may be only slight compromises. But it's just as easy to find yourself going the wrong way as a result of a chain of small compromises as it is from one big one.
What ever the cause you have to deal with the result of your actions, whether, sooner or later. Accept, rationalize or deny, your choices will catch up with you eventually, and when they do you have to face the emotional and mental conflict and strife they bring. Without forgiveness there is no way to escape it.
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